April 6, 2013
What I wasn’t prepared for was that while I was fighting for my life, there was a group of loved ones, under my roof, who were watching me suffer, up close and personal. I know they heard me groan when it felt as though burning, shattered glass was expanding within my rectum. I know they heard me cry and vomit. They saw staples hold my skin together and chemo drip into my hurting body.
December 7, 2011
Something has changed! My chemotherapy is technically in place as a preventative measure, in case the cancer unknowingly spread yet I am beginning to feel so different that I am beginning to think perhaps the preventative measure was necessary; perhaps the cancer had spread and is doing its job. Since the chemo began I have wanted nothing more than to quit; I have been certain I don’t have cancer in my lymphatic system. However, I can tell after 3 of the 12 rounds that something has changed! Although it wipes me out beyond words, I am experiencing a feeling of health that I can’t explain. This is leading me to believe that just as I was wrong when I insisted my former bowel issues could not possibly be cancer (yet actually were a bit greater than stage three rectal cancer) I now believe that I was possibly wrong about the cancer being isolated to my former rectum. I am beginning to think I might need the chemotherapy. I am grateful for the medical research and protocol that I
November 5, 2011
I hate to admit this, primarily because I don’t want to discourage anyone else on this path, but for me personally chemotherapy has proven to be the scariest, darkest and most depressing phase of it all. It has just begun and I am certain, like the rest of it, I will adjust, but as of now I really hate it. I started off on the wrong foot, I had a mental image of what to expect on day one, but what took place caught me completely off guard. Days before, I went to have a port surgically put into my chest so that the chemo could come home with me in an infuser for 48 hours. What I didn’t realize was that my trip home, only happened after I did three plus hours of infusion in the hospital; that didn’t begin until two hours after I arrived to have my blood evaluated to have the meds mixed properly. I mistakenly thought I could go by myself on my first day, but I had a near panic attack, on the way to Hopkins (praise God I called my sister in tears for a pep-talk and she launched
October 29, 2011
If you saw me right now you’d be amazed at how awesome our God is. Not only am I gaining momentum in my life but also I have my joy, my hope, my enthusiasm and most of all I have my faith back. I never quite lost it, but I’m back to realizing I can ask God for everything (in His will) and expect an answer. When I joined you in pleading for the pain relief and God saw fit to let me suffer for that season, I lost the confidence that I could turn to Him for all my needs and burdens. I got so caught up in the conflict between God’s choice and timing, and the fact that it didn’t match up with mine, that I lost sight that what He was doing through my pain was just one slice of a big pie. I can still call on Him for everything and just because He ordained that painful growth spurt doesn’t mean He won’t address my other concerns; I just quit asking because that was Satan’s plan. However if you know the slogan Jesus beat the Devil with a Big Stick…or if you know what hap