April 6, 2013
What I wasn’t prepared for was that while I was fighting for my life, there was a group of loved ones, under my roof, who were watching me suffer, up close and personal. I know they heard me groan when it felt as though burning, shattered glass was expanding within my rectum. I know they heard me cry and vomit. They saw staples hold my skin together and chemo drip into my hurting body.
March 28, 2013
No one knows, better than my precious boys, about my yearly crying spells, stemming from innocent spring walks, through the forbidden section of Nordstrom. It’s the pastel pink, linen and lace... panties, tights and ruffles. Dresses displayed on tiny hangers. Smocked, layered with tulle or imprinted with the year’s color scheme.
March 15, 2013
When they said, “You can’t have anymore babies,” I was ok. At 42, having birthed 4 sons (the youngest being 8) I was done anyway, right? I also knew if I didn’t go through with the cancer treatment I probably wouldn’t live. There wasn’t much to be said.
January 30, 2013
I know He wants me to spend time with Him but I don’t want to, I’m mad. I’m mad that my teenagers seemingly hate me, though I have devoted so much to them. I am exasperated, disillusioned and frankly feeling severe heartache. So I sit here across from my Bible study refusing to open it because I’m heartbroken. I have faced a lot of hardships in my years but feeling rejection from my children has to be the most painful.
September 10, 2012
By the 4th pregnancy I was knee deep into alternative health. When our third baby had suffered severe asthma, we overhauled our lifestyle. After a doctor told me Blake would need to be on long-term steroids (in order to breath) and they would stunt his growth, I decided to take a different approach. Our new lifestyle brought about all kinds of changes. Among the eating, sleeping and exercise changes, I developed more natural ideas about what I'd like the birth of the fourth baby to be like. I was envisioning a doula, a bathtub or anything natural. In my search to find what I wanted, I visited various birthing centers and doctors. I was amazed that what I thought I wanted, did not provide the peace that I needed to know I was in the will of God. Despite my own strong will, my understanding of being in the will of the Lord prevailed. I was not going to go where I did not feel His leading.