March 28, 2013
No one knows, better than my precious boys, about my yearly crying spells, stemming from innocent spring walks, through the forbidden section of Nordstrom. It’s the pastel pink, linen and lace... panties, tights and ruffles. Dresses displayed on tiny hangers. Smocked, layered with tulle or imprinted with the year’s color scheme.
March 15, 2013
When they said, “You can’t have anymore babies,” I was ok. At 42, having birthed 4 sons (the youngest being 8) I was done anyway, right? I also knew if I didn’t go through with the cancer treatment I probably wouldn’t live. There wasn’t much to be said.
January 30, 2013
I know He wants me to spend time with Him but I don’t want to, I’m mad. I’m mad that my teenagers seemingly hate me, though I have devoted so much to them. I am exasperated, disillusioned and frankly feeling severe heartache. So I sit here across from my Bible study refusing to open it because I’m heartbroken. I have faced a lot of hardships in my years but feeling rejection from my children has to be the most painful.
September 10, 2012
By the 4th pregnancy I was knee deep into alternative health. When our third baby had suffered severe asthma, we overhauled our lifestyle. After a doctor told me Blake would need to be on long-term steroids (in order to breath) and they would stunt his growth, I decided to take a different approach. Our new lifestyle brought about all kinds of changes. Among the eating, sleeping and exercise changes, I developed more natural ideas about what I'd like the birth of the fourth baby to be like. I was envisioning a doula, a bathtub or anything natural. In my search to find what I wanted, I visited various birthing centers and doctors. I was amazed that what I thought I wanted, did not provide the peace that I needed to know I was in the will of God. Despite my own strong will, my understanding of being in the will of the Lord prevailed. I was not going to go where I did not feel His leading.
August 16, 2011
It’s not the pain that hurts the most; it’s the little boy (<8) who doesn’t have any idea what it feels like for me to move around. He is innocently feeding my “feeling like a failure of a mother” with his lack of understanding, and yet I so don’t want him to understand. I can’t do a lot (I mean pretty basic tasks-not happening). People ask if I’m depressed and to a certain extent I am, I don’t feel a heavy cloud or anything, I just feel a bit sad and yet I am content where God has placed me. I still wouldn’t miss this opportunity for anything.
April 26, 2011
We are kidding ourselves if we think that how we treat our neighbor doesn’t matter. Whether it is at home, at work, on a train, at school, in a store, on the Internet, a cell phone or driving down the road, how we live leaves an impact! When my family moved here, just over a year ago, our next-door neighbors welcomed us with open arms. Among other things, they physically carried our boxes from the moving truck! This selfless act of kindness was followed by an invitation, for our family of 6, to come over for our first meal! The warmth and welcome we felt from that experience will last a lifetime. We have faced a couple of opposite scenarios in our new neighborhood where a few people have acted nothing short of mean. I have never experienced anything like it in all my days and it has, on occasion, caused me to feel like moving. You may know someone stole our cat. Subsequently, a neighbor pointed her finger in my face, at a neighborhood event, while she defended herself from the