An Unusual Find at the Beach
It was the eve before we were to leave the beach and I wanted to join my youngest son and husband for one last swim, when I saw something that sent my emotions reeling. Last summer I wouldn’t have known what it was, but there on the shoreline was some poor soul’s ostomy bag. Thank God it’s not me! Oh bless that person’s heart, they lost their bag; what a nightmare.
The sensation of my last swim fizzled as I sat face to face with the reality of what I have been through this past year. Here I was, still recovering from the surgery to have my ostomy reversed; it hadn’t been three weeks since the same type of bag was adhered to my stomach. Agony began to leak through my spirit, replacing the joy that was there just moments before. For the next several hours I felt deflated, steadily filling with anxiety.
Was it the devil? What are the chances that anyone would see an ostomy bag at the ocean? In addition to being thoroughly grossed out, I was forced to revisit painful emotions and above all my empathy left me devastated knowing someone had to walk out of the ocean with a stoma that was bare. It makes me cry just thinking of that person’s humiliation, misery and on some level sheer anger for having to deal with this (unless they have an attitude far superior to what mine ever was).
Was it the Lord reminding me of all He has done for me? How thankful I need to be, that while it has been a painful and difficult road thus far without my bag, at least I am not dealing with all the mishaps I have faced over the past nine months.
I hate to admit it, but as excited, as I am not to have a bag anymore, I am quite a ways from where I hope to be. It’s been pretty miserable for me physically and I think we all know by now I have developed a decent tolerance for discomfort and setbacks. My current situation often reminds me of what rectal cancer was like; there is a lonely place behind closed doors where only God and I know what goes on. It can be bad enough sometimes, that for brief moments I wonder if it was worth it having the ostomy reversed. I know this will pass, over time my body will adjust and I am truly thankful I was able to have this surgery.
Mentally as I am over the cancer but physically I am still in recovery and that is wearing on me emotionally. It seems like minor surgery, since my new scar is one quarter the size of the previous one, but it’s major. I suppose I will face a season of emotions, some of which I had to suppress in order to persevere over the past year, while others are just a part of getting back to life.
On a different note I have begun work on my novel. I am going through a season of research and brainstorming before I begin writing, I’m not certain how long it will take but I intend to do this task with excellence; I am doing this as unto the Lord. I know I have been given the gift of writing and while fiction feels foreign to me, I have a calling and I have a promise, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I hope you are seeing silver linings in the midst of this hot summer. Love you.