Getting to Know You
Nearly nineteen years ago I was on my honeymoon in paradise; as a young bride I was starry-eyed, full of hopes and dreams that no man could put asunder. Nearly five years ago my husband and I sat in the office of our pastor, where we shared that we could no longer take the pain and we would be ending our marriage.
What amazes me most, is here I am on a mini second honeymoon, with that very same man, except, in addition to the stars in my eyes, I have an understanding that there are going to be things about him that I don’t always appreciate, and visa versa (believe it or not). I can easily spot the relationship advancements between now and our first trip to paradise:
Last night when we were seated next to an obnoxious crowd at dinner I instigated a table change; we’ve been together long enough for me to know that his night would be ruined if he had to hear that unfiltered talk throughout dinner. Perhaps years ago I’d have said “Suck it up,” or judged him for his taste, but now I know he’ll be happier with the money he spent on dinner if he doesn’t have to listen to others’ conversations.
He knows me well too, I get ants-in-my-pants on travel day, and while he’d rather show up at the airport and take a mild jog straight onto the plane, he knows I need margin, so he sacrifices his style for mine.
During this trip, issues have come up about tipping and the change for me was to default to his discernment; I’m certain in the past, I would have had two-cents worth to sabotage his decision making and bring stress to our activities. Instead, I stayed out of it, he felt respected and I felt cared for, maybe we did the wrong thing as far as tipping goes but we did the right thing by each other, and that’s what matters in the long run.
A lot of people don’t have the option of staying married; I’ve seen girls willing to forgive infidelity and whatnot but who have husbands who give them no choice but divorce. However, if there is a couple like my husband and I, who has had too much toxicity and see no other choice but breaking it off, I hope you can get something from my life. People can change; circumstances can change. Feelings are no foundation for marriage, if there is anything left, give it to God and see what He can do. That’s what I did and in true God fashion it was more than I could ask or imagine!
Happy Valentines Day!
4 responses to “Getting to Know You”
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Thanks for sharing that Charlotte. I think that some life lessons are only learned by experience and with time. So glad to hear that you had a lovely evening out for dinner! Wishing you an especially sweet Valentine’s Day!
Thank you both for sharing your Valentine’s with us. God bless you Charlotte!
Dear Charlotte,
The Spirit sent me from my morning quiet time to visit Charlotte’s Heart and write this before I go back and let him further plan my day. Now, I see why. Your words resonate within me. My wife and I are in the 48th year of our marriage. We are both firstborn children and just as pushy now as when we married. We started talking about divorce in our first year of marriage when I was a graduate student and she paid the rent and put food on the table. The “D-word” has popped out in the toughest moments ever since. We thrash out every conflict when it arises. We keep short accounts and deal with conflict on the spot. My mom referred to us as the Lockhorns in the comic strip of that name (Loretta and Leroy), a strip which now gives me daily enjoyment. We don’t enjoy conflict, but we don’t carry grudges. For the first decade of our marriage, I was a godless man with all that entailed, and that history gives Nancy plenty of fuel, but we have long-since agreed that divorce is the “failure mode” in the range of resolutions to our struggles. I’ve related to you my head-on collision with Jesus in our firstborn’s death in the month of our tenth marriage anniversary. Jesus’ reality overwhelmed my selfishness, but He made me and knew exactly what 35 years of unbridled selfishness had done to His creature. Likewise for Nancy. And, He knew what was needed to keep us on His new track for our lives, starting with a six-year passage through the terrorist wars of South America with me on the run for 42 months. I’ve shared much of the subsequent journey with you. But, instead of buckling under the pressure, our marriage demanded that we two first-borns summon up our created strength to work together through the circumstances. It is now 38 years since we subordinated our lives to Jesus’ Lordship and we Lockhorns still butt heads occasionally, but Jesus keeps us whole and drawing ever closer to his purpose for our lives (Ephesians 2:10). Thanks for the Valentine. Press on sweet sister.
Your brother in Christ,
Rick
Kenny and I start on a journey this week. It will involve confronting pain I have ignored for many years. I am scared and have rationalized that it is not worth going there. I know I’m wrong and your words confirm that for me. Thank you.