Put Your Mask on First! Valuable Lessons From Cancer
Day one of my cancer diagnosis, involved hypothetically clearing my overflowing agenda. Immediately the whole family rallied, ultimately removing all of my obligations, that did not first and foremost promote my health and longevity. While it was a welcome relief, I was not seeking personal gain; like most mothers, I sacrificially made changes for the sake of my family, as I had done so many times before. “I must forgo my comfort, for the sake of my family” was the inaccuracy that I, like so many others, clung to.
At that stage in the game, I still felt indispensible to my husband, my children and various other areas of my life. If I was going to go the distance, a U-Turn was required; I needed begin seriously caring for myself, even if that meant a temporary disconnect from a lot of responsibility. As I shifted gears, my lifestyle morphed into a world that was foreign to anything I had ever experienced. I thought, “No wonder I got cancer, no one in their right mind should assume they can work/neglect themselves at this pace and expect to thrive physically, emotionally, relationally or spiritually!” I was running on empty when my life was forced into suspension.
I stepped into unfamiliar territory; I painfully rejected my instinct to serve as I began receiving. My eyes were pried off the Lord and onto this world as I sought treatment. My days went from an intense pace to a sluggish creep. I went from one who never took time to watch TV to one who became all too familiar with the world beyond the giant screen. This radical transformation required intentional and awkward personal conversions. I let go of fundamental obligations, realizing that if I don’t deliberately stop, it will naturally occur in my absence. I painfully released the clinch on my life and the persona I sought to present to the world, as I allowed others to takeover. At forty-two my short-term dreams and ambitions were traded for less ambitious long-term goals (like seeing my granddaughters one day). A yoga class was formerly something I struggled to make time for, and if I did, I spent too much energy focusing on the “clock and when I could get back to the hustle and bustle of my all-important life”, while neglecting the internal healing I was being offered in the moment. My new pace sees yoga as necessary as brushing my teeth, it now comes before most things and often ends before I know it.
The way I lived life, just a week before my diagnosis, was truly ludicrous; I did not even slow down to get my symptoms checked, although my body was increasingly stating there was a problem. I blindly accepted the fact that three of my four sons needed to be dispersed in different areas of the county, at the same time, multiple evenings per week. I managed that task, among others, while my husband was overseas; never stopping to evaluate the consequences I was inflicting from the stress, onto myself.
To my credit, I am a unique woman who can say “no” (so many women cannot), in fact I almost always pray before committing to things. Where I fall short however, is with my enthusiasm, my unrealistic understanding of what I’m capable of and a burning desire to be a part of all that this life offers. This passion leaves me spread too thin and interferes with the genuine care that is designed just for me, on behalf of the crew that has been placed in my care. What I mean is I have served them selflessly, but too often resentfully, in anticipation of doing the things that have more glory. I have not put them in the proper place in my list of priorities. Cancer revealed what really matters to me the most, it is those who share my blood and he who shares my bed, it is people that I care about most not what I do, but who I do it for and with. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was most passionate about things that I found stimulating and fulfilling; but in perusing my passions, I neglected the ones who mean the most to me, in the depths of my heart. Cancer divulged this valuable truth to me.
There was dichotomy between not prioritizing the needs of my family in my heart, yet serving them without taking time to do enough for myself. Like many moms, I felt compelled to tend to the needs of others; I should attend every game, concert, fieldtrip and class party, plus sacrificially provide every opportunity for my kids to thrive. Sadly, I felt I needed to do all this whole-heartedly, while asking so very little of them. As the change set in, I could see what a disservice I had done for us all, depriving them of the opportunity to grow and feel needed, and to myself by working myself into sickness. Again, I thought, “No wonder I got cancer!” I spent my life bustling around, serving like a maniac, picking up after my family, driving them to every destination their hearts desired and offering up my very own rectum (that’s where the cancer was) up for them while expecting so very little in return.
One thing I have learned in the past six months is I am not imperative to the lives of those I dwell with, all the things I thought had to get done, didn’t necessarily get done and yet everyone made out just as well, if not better than before. While I lay in my bed addicted to painkillers and unable to make simple decisions, they carried on just fine. While I was in my bed, my husband redecorated the house, all by himself! The kitchen sink got replaced and silverware got misplaced but everything was fine.
I will take a more thoughtful approach from now on. I wish it hadn’t taken cancer to clear my plate, but I am thankful for the wakeup call. I love what has been revealed to me, it’s people and only people that matter the most, but I will be careful to put my mask on first.
11 responses to “Put Your Mask on First! Valuable Lessons From Cancer”
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Dearest Charlotte, You are a priceless friend. Your lessons that you are learning in pain and discomfort are lessons you are teaching us are so helpful . You pour out your heart to serve our Mighty God. You are a great communicator, fighter and faithful believer. You are learning so many lessons at your young age and sweetly and courageously passing them on to us. Thank you. God Bless you in your healing. God Bless your doctors and your medicine. I wil continue to lift you up in prayer. I love you and all you do. Hugs and Kisses from the west coast .
Sincerely, Suzanne
Sweet, sweet Charlotte, it is so hard when we come to the point that we realize that as indispensable as we want to think we are, life could really go on without us. We want to think that it won’t go on, and it is easy to allow depression to slip in when we realize that life does go on whether or not we are participating.
Sadly, I am on this journey with you both emotionally, and now physically. Mine has not come in the form of cancer, but of severe adrenal exhaustion. I have pushed myself so hard to try to meet what I thought others needs/expectations were that I completely ignored my own body; and even worse, my spirit. Now, I sit here, confined to bed and listen to the world go on around me.
Seize this opportunity to recognize the blessing that God has given you in your family, and in your ability to fully learn Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God.” In the past two years of my illness, I have learned depths of this verse that I could never have fathomed before. I pray that you will find them as well.
Charlotte, you are right on and describe so well the plight of most Moms living in today’s culture. I hear this repeatedly when I attend support meetings. We need to take care of ourselves if we want to be around to finish the job and enjoy the beauty of being a Grandmother. Its like what the airline stewardess tells us that we need to put our mask on first before helping someone else. I agree too about yoga. I take two classe a week at the Wellness House. That is available to you, too. You will be in my prayers during this next round of chemo. Much love, Betty
Dear Charlotte,
I did not learn those lessons when my firstborn son, Jason, drowned at age 3, but I did become a Christian two weeks later, at age 35. However, I did learn those lessons when, 10 year later, my 7 year old #3 son, David, was diagnosed with a brain tumor (I stood behind the technician reading out the CAT scan real-time– I didn’t ask for permission) and stayed with him from that moment for 10 days, sleeping at his side in the hospital, through the prep and crucial decisions leading to his 7.5 hour brain operation, waiting outside the O.R., and then the crucial decisions on radiation and chemotherapy. Those 10 days in Children’s Hospital in St. Louis changed my life irreversibly. Until then, I put my career first (though I’d never have admitted it) and talked about the great things we’d do as a family “someday.” In that hospital, I was in an intense battle as Satan accused me and, after 5 days of that, Jesus blew away all his smoke and I knew that everyday with my family was a gift. They gave David 3-5 years, as no one had ever been cured from that particular malignancy. I bought “that airplane we’ll have someday” and started taking those “someday” family vacations until, 7 years later, the surgeon told me to relax and declared the boy “cured” and Blue Cross would again insure him. David is now 34 years old and living in Los Angeles. God really is good and will never leave us nor forsake us. He has a “big picture” that is beyond human understanding to grasp. And He really does love us and will fulfill his plans for us (Ephesians 2:10). It boils down to trust and obedience. Press on, sweet sister.
Your brother in Christ,
Rick
So grateful for that testimony about DAvid offers so much hope. w know Who we Believe and are certain
HE is able !!!!!!!! thank YOU JESUS
Nina.
Charlotte you’re amazing. I’m blown away right now.
I’m a cancer survivor and you will be too, you already are!
Praying for you sweet lady…(((huge gentle hugs)))
<3
I needed this. Thank you for being transparent.
Charlotte thank you for the reminder. God is using your experiences to help so many of us in mighty and varied ways. He reminds me often to send up a prayer for you, dear one. Praying that He will give you exactly what you need each day.
Praying for you my friend In Christ’s love
hi Charlotte, I’m learning these lessons too. I’m lying around in bed trying to avoid vertigo (and the vomiting that follows). It’s hard to stop doing!
As always, thank you for sharing w/ the rest of us what God is teaching you. Love, K
Celebrating your AHA that Charlotte needs to bring Charlotte fully to the world. A verse that is resonating all around me. Hope to share insights on a next coaching call…
Matthew 5:27
New Living Translation (©2007)
Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.