When I first came to know Jesus personally, He lovingly took me through the life I had created and revealed to me how completely upside down it was from the life He desired for me.  Where I firmly protected myself by holding a grudge, He desired forgiveness; where I proudly displayed liberation and self-reliance, He sought humble dependence on His perfect provision.

It took a few years for Him to lift layer upon layer of the different aspects of my life that I believed to be right (in my heart), but were in fact not His desire for me.  He wasn’t revealing my junk to say,  “See what an idiot you are?” He revealed things to me to say, “Hey you’ve been trying your very best and I can see you think all that effort should be bringing peace, among other things, in your life, but let me show you a better way. Let me help you start over.”

It’s a bit like raising teenagers, because I am more experienced, I have a better idea of what will make them prosper; even if it’s not as fun and exciting as what they feel in their heart is fine to be involved in. Perhaps they are looking at everyone else for their moral compass as I have often looked at society for mine.

Peace is when you sleep at night and rest knowing someone else has all your issues covered.  That requires faith, that requires surrender which requires humility; all of which come from dependence on God.

Forgive me for being so harsh when I judge you for not doing things the way God has told me I should do them.  In the world of Christ we say ‘let me deal with the plank (or 2×4) in my eye while you manage the splinter in yours’.

Yes I know my sin of judgment will most likely be with me for years to come, I’m simply saying on behalf of myself and many other eye-plank baring Christians, “Sorry”.

Sorry for letting your sexual orientation, you marital status, or the way you decorate your body seem like a legitimate excuse for me to horrify God by the way I treat you.  Forgive me for judging the amount of time you spend in and at what sort of church or religious meeting you attend.  Forgive the way I judge things you do that I believe to be wrong for me.

I promise you, of all the things God has informed me that are wrong with my life, the only thing He’s ever said to me about what’s wrong with your life is how wrong I am to judge you.

Forgive me please for misrepresenting what I hold so dearly in my heart.

I hope that if I personally have offended you, that you will please bring it to my attention so that I may be mindful of my sin and hopefully deflect it from wounding another who, like you, is also made in the image of God.

Like an airplane slamming into a building, the phone call altered the life I had known just a moment before.

Remarkably, in the midst of the emotional turmoil, I hung in the hammock of God’s grace. Although He had not protected our community from deep pain, He had blessed me with a gift that I could never have imagined.

I was looking at a tragedy, free from the ruins of guilt and regret. He had called on me to join Him, I responded immediately. The result was peace like the healing of oil soothing the wounds of my would-be shattered heart.

Sometimes obedience to God’s call is easier than at other times but it is always right. I will never get over the blessing I had this time:

In 2007

Having just dropped off my preschooler, God impressed upon my heart to call an old friend, Sissy. While not an audible voice, it was clear. He wanted me to share encouraging things with her. He began filling my mind with vivid images and feelings of gratitude for her influence on my life. I immediately pulled my car over and called information for her number.

She had been a close friend at one season in life, but she moved across town and we’d lost touch for the most part. When I reached her answering machine I could feel God’s intention welling up in me, subsequently it came flowing out of my mouth. It was a message power-packed with His love and encouragement.

The images in my mind were igniting the words from my mouth. They were full of the joy. As I spoke into the recording, I could feel in my heart the sweet reflection of Sissy, dating back ten years.

I could see her outside in our neighborhood, always running around with her kids getting exercise. Unlike a lot of the other mothers (myself included), she was never pushing her children in a stroller. As long as they could walk she always had her kids out exercising alongside her.

She was the epitome of fitness, even as a young mom when it was easy to say, ‘I’m exhausted’. For me, especially in those days, to even go for walk was a challenge. Sissy, however, was always out, living each moment of her life to the fullest. The light of the Lord ignited her passions and radiated through her.

She had three boys and so did I. Her youngest son was the same age as my oldest (around 3), which made her a great boy-mom mentor. She would do things that seemed unfathomable to me. I remember how she’d often round up a mess of neighborhood three-year-olds and invite them over for couple of hours. She probably spent the time teaching them tennis and lacrosse while the other mother’s and I were home napping.

I always admired her for her positive contribution to any setting. The love in her heart was evident of her faith in God; coupled with the liveliness and discipline she had to serve.

While ten years ago I sat around and admired her from my couch; here I am today with yet another three year old (boy, would you believe?) and I have pleasantly found myself to be more like her. I can see how her life-model made a lasting impression on me. I’m different today because of her; I have joy in getting out with my son. While I usually take a stroller (I don’t always), and I often let him get out and run if he wants to. This would have seemed too complicated with my older boys.

That change is absolutely due to her life example. The living illustration she provided has encouraged me to value the physical assets that my children and I have. I am more inclined to take advantage of the gifts God has provided for us in our bodies and in the great outdoors. I can’t say I even come close to her zest for life, but her life-model planted a vision, something to work towards.

At the time I didn’t realize it, but I can see how influential her example of mothering three boys was to me. She limited play dates to two hours and she never did sleepovers.

She set a foundation for boundaries as they grew. I suppose her purpose was to keep her values as the main influence in her children’s lives. I’d imagine it was also a means to keep her family unit as a priority to each member.

Whatever her reasoning was she had a goal in everything. Whatever she did I saw loyalty, respect, self control and a lot of unity on her home-front. There was certain character coming from her home, it sparked a desire and a vision in my life to have similar assets.

At Sissy’s house Happy Days was the extent of inappropriate material anyone could watch on TV. I remember someone saying one time, “Do you realize when you go to Sissy’s house, even if her boys are watching TV, they get up and acknowledge you when you walk into the room?” That was a comment that struck me, and lasted. I’d like to have that at my house. I knew it was discipline and respect like that which made her boys rise to the top. It needed to be a conscious and dedicated process on her part to accomplish such a thing.

Her boys were always heavy-duty into sports and that was yet another area in which I was greatly influenced. My husband wanted our boys to be athletic, but I didn’t know the first thing about sports. I was literally clueless. I’m sure if left up to my own accord they’d have been in art classes and drama, yet I was called to figure out the complete opposite path of what I knew. It was completely foreign to me.

I was able to see Sissy manage her kids. I watched her strategy, dedication and mothering technique for her young athletes. I read the articles published about their athletic success. I had something practical and tangible to see and follow; something to strive for.

Sissy prayed with all her heart and God gave her a little girl. Her daughter came via an airplane, but you’d never know she didn’t come from the fruit of Sissy’s very own womb. Sissy was energetic and athletic, but she also had style. She loved great hair and quality fashion. I can’t imagine the joy it must have been when God gave her a daughter to unleash her feminine passion onto. The special blessing of her daughter came after I began to lose touch with my friend, but it was evident, even from a distance that she was a true gift and delight to the family.

From what I could tell that little girl was the most natural addition to that family of boys. I was so happy for my friend that God had added to the joy of the male population in her home and given her another desire of her heart.

Sissy’s faith radiated from her active and zealous body. As committed as she was to her family, fitness and beauty, it was clear her top priority in life was God and the Catholic Church. There was nothing ahead of her passion and faith in the Lord. She was perpetually developing ways to grow church groups and activities, fellowships and socials that epitomized her God-given talents. Her passions and ideas would better the community through fun involvement; they often started traditions and programs that will leave a legacy for believers.

Sissy’s impact was powerful on adults but the children were where I believe God had the most influence through her. She loved them and she had a way of encouraging while being firm in her beliefs. She had the art of cracking-up at the wonders we receive from children. She valued life and would have had a million children herself no doubt, but what she had, was God’s allotment. She truly wanted the best for all children and saw potential beyond what many others saw.

Everybody was loved by Sissy and she seemed to love everyone. I could hear her voice resonate in my head, “She’s a lovely woman.” I heard her say it so often about certain people. I actually (secretly) aspired to be one of those women that she’d say that about. If she called someone ‘lovely’ it said something profound to me about that woman’s character. If someone had good hair, they had good hair, but if Sissy called someone lovely, it was a true honor.

If there was a problem she made light of it and focused on the good that she knew. She was powerful and positive. She lived in such a way that she had the authority to give advice, at least in my life.

These notions were vividly flooding my head as I called her answering machine from the side of the road, that day driving home form preschool. It had been a few years since we had connected but I let loose with the thoughts I was having, via the prompting and words of God as I left a message.

Once I hung up, the burden on my heart to call was gone; I knew God’s will had been done and I went on with my day.

…

Several days later she called back. We talked for over an hour, (while she was running on the other end of the phone, I’m pretty certain.) I was shocked to learn she’d had an episode that had set her back.

From what I understood, she had traveled to Africa to do some professional tennis training. She said while she was there she wanted to go on a safari and found out she couldn’t go without taking Malaria medication. That medication is intended to be given for 6 weeks before a trip and she was ready to go on Safari immediately and hadn’t been on the drugs. She located a Dr. who was willing to prescribe the medication to her and she was off for her trip. Evidently her tiny healthy body got extremely sick from the medication.

She shared with me that worse than the physical effects of the drugs, were the mental effects. I was amazed when she shared how she’d been hospitalized on suicide watch. She said she was delirious and out of her mind. She described the crazy thoughts she had had, like thinking she needed to find a new wife for her husband (that she adored) and other crazy things.

She said though she was much better now but at the worst part of her episode the pain was excruciating. She described how hard a simple task felt to accomplish. The thought of flossing her teeth, felt as if she was being asked swim across town. What she shared was so hard to imagine because she was the epitome of health, and strength and she loved God so much. She said her faith in God had gotten her through it but she was told how she would suffer relapses and hallucinations for the rest of her life.

What amazed me was that I had no idea about of any of this when I obeyed God and called her with His message of love and encouragement. The obedience became even more special to me a short time after our phone call, when I found out some extremely difficult news.

…

A couple of weeks after I left Sissy that message, I got a phone call letting me know there had been a tragedy. Sissy had jumped from what must have been lingering, agonizing pain and into the arms of her Loving Savior. Her body landed on the ground, at the bottom of a 75 foot tower. Evidently the side-effects of the drug had paid the ultimate toll.

Omniscient God knew what was on the horizon. He had me call her for her sake no doubt, but I believe He also had me call her for me. Can you imagine how I feel knowing the last things I said to someone, especially someone who was in so much pain that she ultimately took her life, were the most wonderful things I could possibly imagine? God filled my head with those images of her and had me shower her with encouragement and praise. Through my obedience he used me to encourage her, but the gift He gave me was like no other.

I wonder how I’d feel if I ignored His prompting. I wonder if I’d have tremendous guilt and unease in my heart when I learned of her death. Maybe I’d not understand and think I could have stopped it if only I had obeyed. Because I obeyed God I had incredible peace underlying my pain. I realize God knew what was on the horizon and He was preparing the way if not trying to stop His princess from her painful choice.

When He spoke to me initially, it wasn’t a loud clang and if I wasn’t in communion with Him I could have missed it. God is my best friend. Though I have four sons, I am never too busy for Him. Though I may be busy at times I will do whatever He asks of me and trust He has a plan and provision for whatever it is that I’m passing up, from my own agenda. I am so honored that He asks and includes me and I am so blessed that I am in touch with Him that I hear Him.

…

Are you able to hear God? Is His voice what directs you? Does He lead you into green pastures or do you lead yourself and ask Him to bless your plans and ideas? I am not holier than thou by any stretch of the imagination, but I know the voice of my Shepherd and I know the contrast between His leadership and my plans. If you want to hear God and have the opportunity to touch lives and be touched the ways I recently had, here are my suggestions:

• Make sure you heart is free of sin. That does not mean never sin again because that is impossible. However, constantly go before God and acknowledge your sin by letting it all come to the surface. Even the tritest things, even those huge things that no one would ever know about and you don’t, frankly want to admit that they exist.
• He knows it all anyway and it is very honoring to Him when you display the courage and faith, that you are forgiven for everything, and present it all to Him. You are forgiven for everything, you know? If you don’t believe that His only son hanging on a cross was adequate for your sin, pray about it, it was!

He knows it all anyway and it is very honoring to Him when you display the courage and faith, that you are forgiven for everything, and present it all to Him. You are forgiven for everything, you know? If you don’t believe that His only son hanging on a cross was adequate for your sin, pray about it, it was!

• Make certain you have asked Christ to be Lord of your life. Make certain He’s living in your heart and you have a relationship with Him. I’m talking relationship, not just your church and ministries. If you have opened your heart to Him and you’re willing to walk in faith, He’ll direct you, that’s a guarantee!

If you have authority in your life, which is over you, follow it. Obey the authority in your life whether it’s your husband, your boss, your parents or the government. That is one way God speaks to you.

If you have authority in your life, which is over you, follow it. Obey the authority in your life whether it’s your husband, your boss, your parents or the government. That is one way God speaks to you.

• If you have authority in your life, which is over you, follow it. Obey the authority in your life whether it’s your husband, your boss, your parents or the government. That is one way God speaks to you.

• Of course God speaks through His Holy Word. Don’t miss out on your Bible and the way God’s will is spoken there.

I hope you have been able to see what major things God can do through communion with Him and obedience of His children. I hope you see for yourself and that I will have an opportunity to be encouraged by His work through you.

Please share His work in your life.

A stage 3 rectal cancer diagnosis meant I had a good chance of survival but it would not come easily. I was forced to look at the world as I began a fight for my life.  I had to look at credentials of doctors (were they a sphincter saving surgeon, or would I have to have a bag forever). Would I have to go with conventional treatment although my whole life was alternative?

I never lost my faith in God, but I did not feel Him the way I had before the journey began.

As I reflect back on that agonizing time in my life, I wonder why I didn’t just sit at the feet of Jesus, as I suffered so.  In reality many people sat there for me. Through prayer, friends (even strangers) lowered me like the cripple man through the roof, to see Jesus.  I simply didn’t want to connect with God, I was mad, I was in pain and I knew He would not hold anything against me if I just wanted to pout.

Fast-forward a year. I’m in great health with the ability to do all the things I fanaticized about as I lay sick in that bed…but life goes on.  You bet I was thinking, if only I could get out and live…I’d be happy.

What I wasn’t prepared for, was that while I was fighting for my life, there was a group of loved ones, under my roof, who were watching me suffer, up close and personal. I know they heard me groan when it felt as though burning, shattered glass was expanding within my rectum.  I know they heard me cry and vomit.  They saw staples hold my skin together and chemo drip into my hurting body.

I have come to terms with the fact that I was physically not able to carry my own burdens, let alone anyone else’s; even my precious children. But the fallout of taking a year off of full-time motherhood is not without consequences.

As a result I am facing painful scenarios, much darker for me, than my cancer was.  My cancer involved actively participating in my survival. Raising teenagers, who developed coping mechanisms that are far from my value systems, requires faith.

So here’s the good news, I get to turn my eyes upon Jesus as I go through this pain.  I get to trust Him with my most valued possession, my children.  I’m back on His lap.  I’m hiding in the shelter of His wing.  I am living in faith that He gave me a husband to lead this family and that God Himself will work all things together for my good.

It’s hard and I’m hurting deeply but I am learning to live in my circumstances and not be under the illusion that “if only…”

I am relishing in my pain, in a way. I know it is only for a season and I know that when it rectifies, whether that be my worst nightmare or a miracle beyond my wildest dreams, I will not live this dependent on God. My worldly comfort will prevent me from seeing how truly capable He is of handling my every need.

I know I will get back to life and focus on insignificant things, but for now I am putty in His hands. I am mindful that He truly can accomplish more than I’ll ever understand on this earth and that He is pleased as I walk in faith.

What about you, are you working where you need to be trusting? Maybe you have to, but maybe you need to let go and let God show you His magnificence the way He’s showing me as I walk through a dark valley.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5: 3-5

Just for the record I am actively praying Lord what ever it takes to get my children to walk with You, Lord whatever it takes.

That’s a scary prayer, I remember being mad as a hornet when He allowed me to have cancer after I vowed I’d walk through the valley if He wants me to.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

It’s the pastel pink, linen and lace… panties, tights and ruffles. Dresses displayed on tiny hangers. Smocked, layered with tulle or imprinted with the year’s color scheme.

“Oh no, there she goes,” I could hear, as their eyes began rolling. “Come on Mom,” they’d nag “you don’t have a girl!  Let’s go!”

Lost in my imagination, I’d stand there holding a tiny pink tulle sundress, longing for ballet recitals and tea parties.

God lovingly, but firmly, made it clear I needed to quit my grumbling and start counting my blessings He had given me four precious sons.

It was then that His healing plan began to take shape.

…

God called me to publish on my blog the throbbing pain that having an abortion left in my heart.  (My Fatal Choice: Abortion)  That required a lot of courage. I now have three teenage sons.

…

Although she is much younger than I am, Heather has become a very special friend.  From a distance I saw her grow up in a sheltered homeschooled environment. She had intact parents. They embraced the Word of God and their lives displayed it.  Heather babysat my boys and paved a path for what I thought a Godly girl should be like.

Her heart for God, and His will, consumed her.  She embraced purity. Her wedding day marked a beginning with the man for whom she prayed and saved herself for.

…

Heather’s was the first response I received after I pushed publish the morning I shared my abortion with the world.  Her love reached me immediately. She saw my heart and told me how she wished she had been there to minister to me when I was nineteen. Her response was healing, but here’s the miracle:

“Last night,” she said, “As you were preparing to step out in faith with this painful post,” (which no one knew about), “I felt God suggesting that I offer you to buy my daughter’s 1^st Easter dress.”

I could tell she was certain about what God had said, yet she was hesitant. Why, she wondered, would God suggest such an unusual thing?

“Does that seem right to you?” she was truly puzzled.

“Oh God,” I cried as my faith flourished. “A woman who hears Your voice the way I do. You chose her to give me the blessing I have so longed for!”

…

For weeks I pondered it. I kept wondering, “What would Heather like?” Finally I owned the gift I had been given and said, “What would I put my baby girl in?”

I settled on a long smocked dress with a hint of a white slip layered at the bottom.  I picked a hairband, socks and sweater.

When we are in tune enough that we can hear, out of the clear blue, even little whispers like, “Why don’t you ask Charlotte Cole to buy Eva’s 1^st Easter dress,” we are IN TUNE!

God is good all the time and the ache I have felt for my precious child is a little less deep because I know God blessed me.

I love You Jesus, for taking the biggest pain in my heart and calling me to share so that others may not have to wear the same hurt alone and could feel ministered to through me.  You, My God are the Be All the End All, My All and All.  Happy Resurrection Day (everyday).

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For more on my sweet sister in Christ Heather click here:

The Clement Crew

²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, (Romans 8)

The moment I recognized my sin…whoosh, I handed it off.   Suddenly, I saw my unrighteousness…but was immediately free of the burden, which I didn’t even realize had been weighing me down.

²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 8)

So I’m a sinner, I’m glad I finally figured it out. What really hangs me up is seeing my children as sinners? I have seen some Christian parents who basically focus on their children’s sin at birth; admittedly I have judged those parents. However, the fact that I did not recognize my children as sinners was not right either.

I’m of the generation that wants to build my children up, protect and provide for them (at the risk of preventing them from learning from hard knocks).  It’s got to be some backlash to the “children should be seen not heard” group that preceded mine.  Focus on their strengths, that’s what I’ve always done, and it’s worked out well.

I thought they’d be different than I was growing up. I thought since I had raised them with the Christian values, naturally they would be different than I was. I was convinced I wouldn’t have done all I did, if I knew the Truth; I forgot that I lived as I did because I was a slave to sin.

¹⁷ But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, ¹⁸ and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. ¹⁹ I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.

²⁰ For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. ²¹ But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6)

I wasn’t prepared for these people, that I have thought so highly of, to step foot on paths that I detest.

Sin Charlotte.  They are slaves to sin like everyone else.

I know I’m a sinner. I bathe in forgiveness everyday, but somehow I lost sight of the humanness of my children.

Lord,

I’m desperate for Your leadership in our lives.  I need to trust You with things that are too big for me to handle.  I lay my precious children at Your feet.  Give me faith to believe Your promises.  Help me to rest in You. 

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am              gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11)

I have also shifted my gaze to the world, especially in this season. It is not what I wanted, envisioned or worked hard to accomplish.  With my eyes focused on my circumstances life got heavy and depressing. I got self-conscious, insecure and critical.

I am happy I invested time, money and energy into counseling (physical and emotional).   Jesus let Your light shine on me so that I may be radiant for You, not holed under the earth scared to come out because it’s still dreary.  Give me the courage to be the beginning of spring for others as I look towards You and receive Your tender provision, exactly where I am.

Next week I pitch my novel.  I anticipated being done with it, but circumstances prevented it.  I’m back to the drawing board. I pulled it out,  I can humbly say it’s really good. I can’t wait to share it.

How about you, where is your gaze?  Are you sinking, like I was, or stepping out in faith onto the water?

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrew 12 :2

I know God wants me to spend time with Him but I don’t want to, I’m mad.  I’m mad that my teenagers seemingly hate me, though I have devoted so much to them.  I am exasperated, disillusioned and frankly feeling severe heartache. So I sit here across from my Bible study refusing to open it because I’m despairing.  I have faced a lot of hardships in my years but feeling rejection from my children has to be the most painful.

I don’t hate God, that’s not why I don’t want to spend time with Him, however I am mad because He can make things easier and He won’t.  Might He be showing me what my children are feeling? Perhaps He’s showing me how the rejection I’m giving Him, because He won’t give me what I want, feels.

I am mad, but I haven’t stopped loving God or lost sight of my need for His sovereign leadership in my life. I can now see that my children haven’t stopped loving me, but rather they are just mad because I could give more to them, like no curfew, endless freedom and no consequences, but I am doing what is best for them.  I am sacrificing them liking me; I am living with their rejection because if I sold out for their friendship I’d be failing as a parent.

I can see how God’s decision not to give me all the comforts of life possibly equate why I don’t just inundate my teenagers with freedom.  I can see how I expect my boys to appreciate and obey my rules yet I am pouting and rejecting God’s invitation to adore me.  Nowhere in the mix have I stopped to thank Him for all He has done for me (which by the way far exceeds what I do for my boys).  Forgiven, yep, I am forgiven.  Forgiving, I hope so.

What a mighty God we serve!  I am off to do my study and love my children without feeling rejected by their humanness.

If you know me well, you know I really struggled in school. I don’t have ADD any longer but that doesn’t erase the sence of failure I spent most of my school years identifying with.  After about 40 years I came to understand I wasn’t stupid. What I perhaps didn’t overcome was the ingrained sense of disappointment when I wanted so desperately to succeed.

When I became a mom at 23 I was a good, dare I say great, mom. It was the first time I felt success.  People noticed, they commented, not only were my boys everything I could have imagined but they came with the added bonus of good looks.  Admittedly I mourned for a long time that I didn’t have a daughter but I always felt steeped in blessings because of my boys.

I share all that with you in hopes that you can understand why this particular season is having an especially painful impact on me.  It’s as if I’m suddenly failing at the only thing I’ve ever succeeded at and while I need to get all that in check, nevertheless that doesn’t diminish how it feels.

Raising my teenagers is like sitting in the corner of a boxing ring, going in and out of a match that I am not prepared for and have no desire to fight.

“Hey God, what’s going on here?  I poured a major portion of my life into raising these children and suddenly they turned from me. They seemingly betray the core of my existence, in several ways.”  They go from “Mommy here’s a handful of flowers that I couldn’t wait to give you,” to “Mom get off my back you are so annoying!”

I didn’t change, they did. Out of nowhere my kids started to dislike me.  I realize how accustomed I have become to their unconditional love and now that it’s only coming from my nine year old, all I can say is “Ouch!”  Maybe other people are prepared and realize this is a part of raising kids, but for me it’s been something I have to learn to accept.  My baby boys are becoming a men and they are going to have thoughts and ambitions independent of me.

I have to relinquish the feeling of success I have taken for granted all these years and turn my heart toward God.  God gives me flowers everyday but how often do I ignore His agape, never ceasing love for me?  I’m no different towards His gracious care for me than my teenagers are about my diligent provision for their success.   I have to put healthy restrictions on my children (which makes them bristle), yet when God doesn’t give me everything I want I pout.

I have to realize they were given to me for a season.  They are not mine; they are His and have been placed here for His glory.  He has loaned them to me and blessed be with them for a season. I must be thankful for what God has given me and not loose hope in projecting that this challenging stage will be a permanent way of life.  I must trust God, His plan and His purpose. I must remember that when I feel like I am failing that He chose me and He knew all the mistakes and poor choices I would make. I must stay true to the woman He formed me to be and not give into the desire to feel good. His grace is enough for me; it’s time I start focusing on Him and trusting Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Dear Lord,

You are omniscient and while I am convinced of that, I continue to place my trust in areas that have no business coming before my relationship with you.  I go to people who try but are only human, I go to places that satisfy but have restrictions and I go to things that may fulfill for a period, but too often I don’t go to You until everything else has failed.

I’m here today Jesus. I’m giving you back the reins, You are a superb handler and I am tired.

Take my worries, Lord Jesus, take my shame, my regret and all the things that are too big for anyone but You to handle.  Give me rest Sweet Jesus.

Society has cast the illusion that females get the same relief from sex that guys do and that a one-night stand is just as fulfilling for her as it is for him.  Girls long for intimacy.  While we may feel satisfied briefly ultimately we are left feeling used and ashamed. Our self-image tanks as a layer of filth drapes our identity.

I am an advocate for married sex for many reasons. It comes when a man has decided a woman is worth his life, he’s willing to sacrifice a lot for her.  He’s willing to consider her needs of intimacy. Marriage is a commitment created among those who support the couple, including God.

I have always tried to raise my sons to be mindful of easy girls.  Actually it is not so much to be mindful, as it is to be sensitive towards them.  Maybe her daddy is an addict, or not present, but ultimately she is seeking approval.

I know a lot of girls who make it very clear they are not available to touch.  It is evident in the way they dress, cute but not inviting. They carry themselves with self-respect.  There is a pure glow radiating from their faces.  I believe that unless there is a sad, weak moment these girls will preserve their body. I believe that each one will not be touched until her daddy gives her to the man that she adores and he approves of.

Maybe you don’t have a daddy or maybe your daddy is not there to meet the desires of your heart; God forbid your daddy has broken your trust. I have some really incredible news for you.  There is another Father and He’s all yours (He’s all mine too).  He is perfect and He loves you so incredibly much.  He is constantly there singing over you, even when you fail, His love never ceases.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! 
His mercies never cease. ²³ Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.       Lamentations 3:22-23

God is called Abba Daddy.  I know it’s hard to get our mind around that concept, but if we take some time and get to know Him, read His word, focus at church, and pray we will see how unbelievably much he adores us.  If your father is not there to give you away to a faithful man, God is.

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”  Romans 5:15

Your body is not to be touched by anyone who hasn’t asked God if he could touch you, and whom God has permitted that privilege with His sacred blessing.

Go before your Father, allow Him to adore you and show you how valuable you are in His sight.  Believe what He tells you; carry it as your identity so Satan can’t prevail with his lies.

If God is your Father and you are His daughter, you are a princess! You should feel a tiara on your head (I do). No one should ever treat you less than that. God sent His only son to die for our sins so that we could be with Him forever and ever. That is pretty serious love and devotion.

If you have found yourself seeking love in the wrong places, if you have found yourself feeling dirty and ashamed because of what you have done, seen or experienced, let me tell you the best news ever: You are forgiven! The only thing that could prevent your complete washing, is your lack of faith in the gift that was given just for you.  Christ came to die for our sins. He washed them away with His blood as He hung innocently on that Cross.

I know what it feels like to feel dirty, ashamed, scared, resentful, empty and without hope. I also know what it feels like to be washed clean, given an undeserved spotless slate.  I am no different from any of you, I have just devoted my life to being refreshed and blessed by the love of God, daily.  What I am experiencing is unexplainable and it is free to all who receive it.

If you want this purification, if you want to feel certain you are a child of the Greatest Father, join me in prayer:

Dear Lord,

I don’t believe You could ever love me, I have done too many things that are not of You.  Please help me to understand what I read when I am told that Your love is unconditional and never-ending. I feel I can’t be good enough, but I am being told I don’t need to be, how can that be?

God please let me hear Your love, let me feel Your forgiveness.  I want to feel like Your princess, help me to believe it.  Guard me from the path that leads to the destroying of my self-worth.

Lord help me to understand the needs of others, help me not to hurt other girls with my words or insensitivity.  Help me to be one to build up and edify anyone who needs to hear ‘you are special’. Help me not to judge one who I can see makes poor choices. Remind me I have never walked in her shoes, I have no idea how she feels.

Remind me that while a girl’s value is not in her appearance, she often thinks it is. Help me to be one to help her feel pretty in case her Daddy can’t or she won’t listen to You.

Remind me God that no matter how I look you see my heart, you see Your Son, My Savior

Amen

Please see this:

Beautiful by Mercy Me

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control. Proverbs 25:28 

I recently began experiencing emotions that perhaps I had been shielded from throughout my cancer recovery.  I began feeling mad about what I went through.  I started to see how my cancer affected those close to me.  Loved ones made choices, while I was not available to provide correction, which I feel I could have intervened if I had been present.  Other loved ones have offered unsolicited opinions about areas where obvious sin has taken root in my home; in turn I have felt like a failure.

I have acted poorly and I have said hurtful things to people I love. I could wallow in my shame and regret but I am choosing not to let my sin bind me up.  I am going to hide in the wing of My Father, Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8   I am going to ask forgiveness where I need to and give forgiveness where bitterness has taken hold. I am going to trust God with my shame, regret, pain and sorrow in this challenging season and get back on the road He has laid out for me.

I apologize if my negativity has affected you. God will not be effective through me if I wear a mask and pretend everything is hunky dory when in reality, right now, it is not.  I may be in a season of suffering but I know that He has not abandoned me and this too shall pass. weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. Romans 8:38