April 6, 2013
What I wasn’t prepared for was that while I was fighting for my life, there was a group of loved ones, under my roof, who were watching me suffer, up close and personal. I know they heard me groan when it felt as though burning, shattered glass was expanding within my rectum. I know they heard me cry and vomit. They saw staples hold my skin together and chemo drip into my hurting body.
December 28, 2012
When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was already going to great lengths to keep chemicals out and nutrition in my body. I was one of the last people you would guess would get cancer. It has been noted that perhaps part of the reason I fared so well was because of all the care I had taken prior to my treatment. I am certain the integrative approach that I incorporated into my healing kept me feeling stronger during and after treatment. The first thing I did was clear my plate of all responsibility. If I was to be here in the long run I was going to have to protect myself from stress. When I realized I needed to put radiation and chemotherapy into the body I worked so hard to protect, I was horrified. I resisted conventional therapy at first. I was ready to go to Mexico, Arizona etc. to nurture my body with vitamin IV’s, juicing and other alternative therapies. I now believe my stage 3+ cancer needed the big guns. Consequently I developed a fantastic respect for convention
November 28, 2012
I have decided to need to continue blogging while I work on my novel. I thought my energy would be best spent on my novel but I have decided to diversify my time and continue to meet you here once a week. One thing I am just now coming to terms with is the emotional effect the cancer has had on my family and me. I never had a chance to think about how my boys felt when their mom was diagnosed cancer; all my energy was focused on staying alive. Now I can see what happened to a household of boys while mom was in bed for a year and it has proven to be, in many ways, an unexpected disillusionment.
June 30, 2012
A year ago I was blissfully naïve; I didn’t know what a PICC line or a port was, I thought cancer only happened to others and that I was too healthy to ever get it. I was foolish about what it is like for people to deal with major medical problems. I thought they were built differently or possessed some type of divine ability to handle what they’ve been given. I never thought about how mother, pushing a stroller with a huge child who flails out of control, feels. Albeit I have been kind and considerate to those in need, I never stopped to think about how people dealing with huge disabilities encounter unmet expectations.
May 25, 2012
It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. On one hand I feel a bit guilty for keeping to myself, but on the other hand I am so liberated to be putting first things first. For example I am not feeling pressure to write, and I need that break right now. I have given myself permission to just live, and boy am I appreciating it. I’ve not been writing, but it is not because I have forgotten about you and how you have loved me through it, you cannot fathom my gratitude, but I am just defragmenting (computer lingo for getting rid of things that aren’t necessary so the things that are necessary work more efficiently).