Something Has Changed

Something has changed!  My chemotherapy is technically in place as a preventative measure, in case the cancer unknowingly spread, yet I am beginning to feel so different that I think perhaps the preventative measure was necessary; maybe the cancer had spread and the medicine I so dread is doing its job.

Since the chemo began I have wanted nothing more than to quit; I have been certain I don’t have cancer in my lymphatic system. However, I can tell after 3 of the 12 rounds that something has changed!  Although it wipes me out beyond words, I am experiencing a feeling of health that I can’t explain. This leads me to believe that just as I was wrong when I insisted my former bowel issues could not possibly be cancer (yet actually were a bit greater than stage three rectal cancer) I now feel that I was possibly wrong about the cancer being isolated to my former rectum. I might need the chemotherapy. I am grateful for the medical research and protocol that I believe is saving my life.  This is huge because going for chemo has killed my spirit, putting that poison into my body as a preventative measure for something I really didn’t believe I had hurt so much, yet suddenly I am beginning to think, once again, I was wrong.

With the tools God is providing I am starting to feel empowered in my weakness, my inner strength is growing as it continues through this season of non-elective/not-optional emotional boot camp. I am once again aware of God’s blessings as I feel them throughout the day. For the first time in a very long time I feel like me.  I have my zest, my spark, and my humor is resurfacing. I find myself saying to Tom and my boys, “Can you see, it’s me, I’m back.” My heart is filling with worship and I notice praise and Christmas music constantly on my tongue. I am redirecting my sights from comfort here and aiming them once again towards my Father and the promises that await me when I leave this earth. I am so glad that I never doubted God, I feel pleased that I trusted Him even in the deepest valley where I could not feel His presence, I could not bask in the warmth of His light, yet my faith let me know He was there constantly providing, whether I could feel Him or not.

I am going to share something with you that I wrote but did not post.  It was written last week and though I feel completely different today, I am led to believe that sharing my weakness and sorrow will be of some benefit to you.  Maybe looking at my pity party will give you a nugget of encouragement as you face your own trials.

So when you finish it, please remember where I am today, today I am beginning to see that the chemo is actually bringing me life not death, but that is not how I felt last week:

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Hello this is your captain, I will be driving your guilt trip today, fasten your seatbelts while I point out how poorly you are handling your current situation.

It’s a nonstop voice in my head, reminding me that there are way worse things I could be facing besides rectal cancer; and yet I still just want to moan and groan.  I am sincerely thankful that I am not facing cancer at eleven years old, that I am not pregnant with my first baby or that this is me and not my child going through cancer, yet I still HATE it.  I want it to be over so much.  I could focus on the fact that I have an excellent prognosis and that last summer I did not even know if I was going to live, but still I hate it.  I hate that I am tethered to my bed, that my husband doesn’t have a friend in me because I am such a dud right now. I’m jealous of everyone who gets to carry on life, they aren’t burdened with decisions of whether they will take steroids with the next round of chemo. I am mad that I have to wonder whether the neuropathy leave permanent numbness in my hands.

I feel guilty because many people are going through trials that are equally as hard as mine (I’m at an age where some husbands flat-out desert their commitments and abandon their wives and children for a newer set) and instead of the support that I have, they might face shame or judgment and guilt.  Instead of having a husband as a rock solid provision, like I have, they are in court battles dividing the lives that they have built and fighting for custody of their very own children. Many are finding out how hard it is for an excellent mother to find her place in the workforce. Other people are struggling with addiction, painful marriages, severe financial woes or wombs that won’t fill up with babies and instead of receiving support like I have, they are muddling through their days by slapping on a false smile and pretending everything is all right. Couldn’t I just be thankful for the magnitude of love and support, the fact that throughout every day someone is thinking of me, praying for me? I have not thought about cooking since July and yet my family is continuously fed delicious food from the labor of those who feel led to provide that for us!  Our food comes like manna. A hot bath is at my fingertips and it is where I frequently retreat from any pain. My friend in Africa perhaps never gets that type of luxury, not to mention that most of the world doesn’t even have clean water to drink. Almost daily I receive some type of love in the mail, God’s provision is endless.

I have never had to face a hardship like this; I can’t tune it out or drink so much that I can forget it (I don’t drink anyway).  I have to accept it and I don’t want to! I don’t want cancer, I don’t want to go through chemo, and I don’t want a bag glued to the front of my stomach and the looming unknown if it will ever go away. I don’t want to be in the menopause that the radiation put me in, and I don’t want to feel guilty for complaining.

This sucks! I’m sorry for being so honest but I committed from the beginning of this journey to be real, so here I am.

Forgive me for complaining. The Lord will turn me around; I know He will. I know He has great plans for me and this journey will bare much fruit. Thank you sweet friend for being here with and for me, I am forever in gratitude that God has given you to me for such a time as this.

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Little did I know when I let that all out how blessed I’d be feeling just a few short days later.  Friend, if you are in a trial that seems unbearable or if you are in a state of feeling guilty or sorry for yourself, please remember what God has done for me in a matter of days.  Hang tight to His promises, believe He has you there for a purpose and if you can praise Him in the storm, you’ll be glad you did.