November 24, 2011
As my yoga class ended, I found myself welling up with intense emotion; something powerful had just transpired in my heart and my understanding of God’s love though my suffering. It was through the challenge and the accomplishment, the stillness and reflection, the prayer and thankfulness, and ultimately the acceptance and perseverance through poses that did not feel good that my eyes were opened. I often liken one’s approach to life like their tactic to scaling a rock wall; perhaps they are slow and steady, strategically mapping out each step, or maybe they are too tentative to even try the wall at all, so they stay below and watch. For me it’s always been: rush up without a care in the world, panic just before I finish and call for Tom to bail me out. Just like my trip up the wall there isn’t a lot of finishing hard tasks in my life; many things are tried with a lot of zeal and passion but goals aren’t set and there is little accomplishment in a finished piece.
November 12, 2011
I’m not Jesus and she certainly isn’t some Samaritan, whose shame leads her to go draw her water from the well when no one else is around, but with the way the Evangelical Church is acting today you’d really never no the difference. “We’re a gay couple,” she said. I could hear the baggage. I could envision what it might have been like as a young girl to feel different, to feel like something is wrong when she was amidst other girls. I could imagine the response of family and friends, doctors and neighbors. Perhaps there was a line that was drawn somewhere in her young life and she had to step outside of it, if she was going to be even moderately true to her heart.
November 10, 2011
After months of trusting God, without being able to feel Him, I finally feel Him again! It’s been tough not to feel His love, I’ve been fully reliant on what I know is true, and while it’s been enough, it certainly hasn’t felt good. This week changed, not only have I felt Him, but also He’s been lovingly in my face increasingly throughout the week. I can sincerely say I feel good! (I know this is answered prayer, thank you so very much.) Feeling God again reminded me why I love Him so much. I have a renewed sense of purpose. I realize He put me on this path and I am going to quit resisting it. I’ve been willing on one hand to walk the road He laid out for me, but in a far larger since, I have been fighting Him instead of trusting Him, I am ready to surrender! (Chemicals and all)
November 8, 2011
I had a major setback this weekend. Awhile back, with high hopes of putting something on our calendar, Tom graciously got our family amazing tickets to see my favorite band Third Day. It’s been on the calendar almost as long as I’ve known I had cancer, I knew, Lord willing, my surgery would be distant enough that I could go and really rock out! (Spoken like a real mom!)
November 5, 2011
I hate to admit this, primarily because I don’t want to discourage anyone else on this path, but for me personally chemotherapy has proven to be the scariest, darkest and most depressing phase of it all. It has just begun and I am certain, like the rest of it, I will adjust, but as of now I really hate it. I started off on the wrong foot, I had a mental image of what to expect on day one, but what took place caught me completely off guard. Days before, I went to have a port surgically put into my chest so that the chemo could come home with me in an infuser for 48 hours. What I didn’t realize was that my trip home, only happened after I did three plus hours of infusion in the hospital; that didn’t begin until two hours after I arrived to have my blood evaluated to have the meds mixed properly. I mistakenly thought I could go by myself on my first day, but I had a near panic attack, on the way to Hopkins (praise God I called my sister in tears for a pep-talk and she launched